From Bullied to Brave: Rewiring Your Highly Sensitive Child's Nervous System
What Happens to a Sensitive Child's Nervous System After Bullying, and How to Heal the Invisible Wounds of Emotional Trauma + Help Them Thrive…
By Monika Grace, CCTP-II, Integrative Somatic Psychotherapist, Trauma Expert (Somatic Psychology, EMDR, IFS, SE)
Summary and Key Points:
Understanding Highly Sensitive Children (HSC): HSCs are wired differently, with finely tuned nervous systems that process experiences more deeply. This makes them more vulnerable to trauma, causing bullying to imprint deeply and trigger a stronger stress response, leading to anxiety, depression, and somatic symptoms.
Why HSCs are Prone to Bullying: Bullies often target HSCs due to their empathic nature, emotional expressiveness, and tendency to avoid conflict. This is often because society mislabels resilience as "toughness" rather than flexibility, leading to a cultural misunderstanding of sensitivity as a weakness.
The Impact of Bullying on the Nervous System: Bullying triggers a deep encoding of threat in an HSC's nervous system, leading to chronic dysregulation and a tendency towards "freeze" and "fawn" trauma responses. This can manifest as people-pleasing, perfectionism, or social withdrawal, often overlooked as silent self-abandonment.
Healing the Invisible Wounds: The healing process for a sensitive child post-bullying requires a systematic, phased approach:
Release: Use somatic play therapy or expressive arts to non-verbally process and release the stored trauma.
Regulate: Teach body-based self-regulation skills like breathing and grounding to help their nervous system regain flexibility.
Rebuild: Strengthen embodied confidence through activities like martial arts or team sports, which teach posture, boundaries, and assertiveness.
Reconnect: Foster safe social anchors and supportive relationships to rewire their attachment to peers and restore their sense of safety.
Key Skills for Thriving: HSCs can develop resilience and leadership by building embodied confidence (through sports, martial arts, and creative arts), strengthening emotional regulation and boundaries, and cultivating safe social connections. This helps them transform their sensitivity from a vulnerability into a superpower.
Top books to read for parents to understand their Highly Sensitive Child better
Introduction
Bullying doesn’t just hurt feelings. For sensitive children, it imprints deeply into their nervous system, shaping how they see themselves, others, and the world. Because their systems are finely tuned, they don’t simply “shake it off” – they carry it. Without intervention, this can wire them into anxiety, people-pleasing, self-abandonment, or social withdrawal that lasts well into adulthood.
But here’s the hope:
With somatic healing, attunement, and skills for regulation and boundaries, sensitive kids can not only recover but grow into some of the strongest, most compassionate leaders of their generation.
Understanding how Highly Sensitive Children Are Wired Differently…
Why Sensitive Children are More Vulnerable to Trauma
Because of their finely tuned nervous system, sensitive children are more vulnerable to trauma. They encode stressful experiences more deeply in their nervous system.
Finely Tuned Nervous Systems → Sensitive children process experiences more deeply, so stressors leave a stronger physiological imprint.
Harsh Parenting or Bullying → Frequent criticism, yelling, or humiliation becomes “coded” into their nervous system as a lack of safety.
Unattunement at Home → When parents dismiss their sensitivity with “toughen up” or “stop being dramatic,” the child feels misunderstood, defective, or unworthy.
Intense Stress Response → Social rejection or humiliation triggers a bigger cortisol and adrenaline surge than in less sensitive peers, which makes them more prone to anxiety, depression, and even somatic symptoms (like stomach aches, headaches, sleep issues).
Society often mislabels resilience as “toughness” instead of flexibility. Sadly, this false narrative; - that resilience means being hard and emotionally bulletproof, is communicated to us from a very young age through every facet of our culture, from society to the school system. This cultural misunderstanding can leave sensitive children feeling defective, leading to shame and a tendency to suppress their true nature.
Why Sensitive Kids Are More Prone to Bullying
Children who are highly sensitive often struggle to adapt to environments that reward toughness, competition, and emotional suppression. Sensitive children are often targeted by bullies because of the very qualities that make them special.
They may cry more easily, which peers interpret as weakness (not as dysregulation or stress release).
Their empathic nature makes them ‘attractive’ targets by children who seek dominance. These kids sense their vulnerability (hesitation, avoidance, emotional reactivity) and believe they will be easier to manipulate and dominate.
Because they avoid conflict, they are often less assertive and have difficulty setting boundaries. Bullies tend to exploit highly sensitive children who often struggle to assert themselves firmly.
Their visible emotional reactions (tears, fear, withrawal) give bullies feedback (emotional charge), fueling the cycle.
Being different (quieter, artistic, thoughtful, super creative) often makes them stand out.
Sadly, our society values resilience as “hardness,” rather than teaching children that sensitivity itself is a form of strength.
In other words, the deep processing and emotional expression of the Highly Sensitive Children are misunderstood in environments that reward toughness and conformity.
Bullying or social rejection can lead to shame wounds, social anxiety, or avoidance (trauma held in their bodies).
Their heightened stress response means that experiences of neglect, rejection, or humiliation activate stronger physiological cascades of cortisol and adrenaline, increasing risk for anxiety, depression, or somatic symptoms later in life.
The Impact of Bullying on Your Highly Sensitive Child
What Happens in a Sensitive Child’s Nervous System When They’re Bullied
Immediate Stress Response
Their amygdala fires rapidly, detecting danger.
Sympathetic nervous system activates → adrenaline & cortisol surge.
Heart races, breath shortens, muscles tense.
Deep Encoding of Threat
Because sensitive kids process stimuli more deeply, bullying imprints more strongly.
The nervous system may “tag” school or peers as unsafe → generalization of fear.
Chronic Dysregulation
If repeated, their HPA axis (stress system) stays on overdrive.
Can lead to anxiety, depression, sleep issues, somatic complaints (tummy aches, headaches).
Why The Highly Sensitive Children Don't Always "Act Out" when Bullied…
Highly Sensitive children are typically more prone to a "fawn" or "freeze" trauma response than a "fight" or "flight" response. This is because their nervous system leans toward compliance and avoidance of harm rather than direct confrontation.
Fawn Response: shows up as people-pleasing, trying to “be nice” so the bully will stop. This is a survival strategy where a child tries to appease or please their perceived threat (e.g., a demanding parent, a bully) to avoid confrontation. The child is sacrificing their own needs to ensure their safety and connection.
Freeze Response: shows up as shutting down, goes blank, can’t speak or defend themselves. They might shut down, appear distant, or go "blank" when under pressure. Their nervous system has gone into a state of shutdown as a protective mechanism. They are disengaging from their authentic self and their feelings, which can look like compliance but is actually a state of internal overwhelm and helplessness.
When a highly sensitive child acts out, it's often a sign that they have reached a breaking point. It's a flare-up of the dysregulation they have been holding in for so long. The "acting out" is not the core problem, but a symptom of the emotional self-abandonment that has been happening underneath the surface.
Other Trauma Responses a Sensitive Child May Show
Fight: Outbursts, yelling, hitting back (these are more rare in highly sensitive children, but possible, especially when they reached their breaking point and don’t know a way out… It’s a cry for help, when they don’t know how to express the overwhelming emotional terror they are experiencing).
Flight: Avoids school, withdraws socially, hides at recess. (this trauma response may show up as a strategy to ‘escape’ the problem, run and hide. This is very common if they feel that there is nobody listening and no safe adult who can help.
How Self-Abandonment Shows Up in Sensitive Kids
Not all highly sensitive children act out. Many cope through self-abandonment - disconnecting from their authentic self to survive.
Self-abandonment is a quiet form of self-betrayal, and the signs can be easy to miss. The child is essentially disengaging from their authentic self to meet the perceived expectations of others. This is often an unconscious survival strategy.
Signs of Self-abandonment in your Highly Sensitive Child include:
People-pleasing: Saying “yes” to everything, even against their own desires. This is the most common and classic sign. The child is excessively agreeable, even when it's against their own desires. They might say "yes" to every request, avoid expressing their opinion, or go out of their way to make others happy to prevent conflict or criticism.
The “Perfect Child”: Perfectionism, fear of mistakes, overachievement to avoid disapproval. They might become excessively perfectionistic in their schoolwork, chores, or hobbies. They have a deep-seated fear of making a mistake, as they've learned that mistakes can lead to disapproval or a sense of not being "good enough."
Masking: Mirroring peers or parents, suppressing their unique interests or personality. A "Fake" or "Masked" Personality: You might notice a lack of authenticity. The child may mirror the interests, jokes, or mannerisms of their friends or parents, as if they're trying on a personality that isn't their own. They might stop talking about their unique interests or vivid imagination.
Internalized Anxiety/Depression: Worry, tummy aches, withdrawal, loss of joy. Internalized Anxiety and Depression: Rather than acting out with defiance, their distress often turns inward. You might see signs of anxiety, such as worrying, tummy aches, or an unwillingness to go to school. Or they might show symptoms of depression, like a loss of interest in hobbies, social withdrawal, or a general flat affect.
Freeze/Fawn: Shutting down, going blank, or appeasing instead of standing up.
When they do act out, it’s usually a breaking point; - a sign that their system can’t contain the pressure anymore. The acting out is not the core problem; it’s the overflow of silent self-abandonment.
What Helps Highly Sensitive Children Avoid Bullying
The 3 most important thing your Highly Sensitive Child needs to develop to feel resilient:
Building Embodied Confidence Through Sport and Arts
Developing Boundaries and Emotional Regulation
The Protective Power of Safe Social Anchors
Let’s explore these in more detail…
1.Building Embodied Confidence Through Sport and Arts
In summary - skills to learn:
Teaching them posture, tone of voice, and grounded presence.
Somatic practices (standing tall, breathing low into belly, eye contact) → signals “not an easy target.”
For highly sensitive children, developing a strong sense of self is crucial. Activities that build embodied confidence, the feeling of being strong and secure in one's own body; - are particularly effective. These activities go beyond mere physical exercise; they teach discipline, self-awareness, and control.
Martial Arts: Martial arts, such as karate or judo, are highly beneficial. A 2007 study by Trulson, based on research from the University of California, found that adolescents who participated in martial arts demonstrated improved self-esteem, self-control, and a decrease in delinquent behaviors. Martial arts help highly sensitive children by teaching them to manage their physical and emotional responses in a structured environment. They learn to stand tall, make eye contact, and use a strong, clear voice; - all of which signal to potential bullies that they are not an easy target.
Team Sports: Engaging in team sports like soccer or basketball can also foster resilience. A 2016 study published in the Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology found that participation in organized sports was associated with higher self-esteem and a greater sense of belonging among children. These activities provide a safe social anchor, where children can build alliances and feel the security of having a team behind them. The camaraderie and shared goals can help highly sensitive children overcome social anxiety and build trust in relationships.
Creative Outlets: Activities like theater, dance, or public speaking offer different but equally valuable lessons. These fields require children to express themselves, project their voice, and occupy space with confidence. For example, a child in a drama class might learn to use a loud voice and strong posture to play a role, which can then translate to real-life situations. A 2014 study from the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry highlighted that participation in performing arts can improve a child's social skills and emotional regulation. This helps them manage the intense emotions that often precede a freeze or fawn response when confronted by a bully.
2.Developing Boundaries and Emotional Regulation
In summary - skills to learn:
Practicing simple, assertive phrases: “Stop. That’s not okay.”
Role-playing scenarios at home so their nervous system rehearses safety.
Teaching grounding, breathing, movement → so they don’t go into visible freeze/fawn.
A regulated child appears more resilient, less reactive = less attractive to bullies.
A core challenge for highly sensitive children is their tendency toward a freeze or fawn response when confronted with conflict. They often appease or shut down to avoid a perceived threat. Teaching them to regulate their nervous system and set firm boundaries is essential.
Mindfulness and Yoga: Practices like yoga and mindfulness breathing can be powerful tools. A 2019 meta-analysis in the journal Mindfulness concluded that mindfulness-based interventions for children were effective in reducing symptoms of anxiety and improving emotional regulation. Yoga teaches children to be present in their bodies and to use their breath to calm their nervous system. This helps them prevent the visible physical signs of fear; - like a racing heart or shallow breath, that can be attractive to bullies. When they can manage their own physiological state, they appear calmer and more in control, making them a less appealing target.
Assertiveness Training: Boundary training and assertiveness are critical skills. Instead of just teaching them to say "stop," we can give them phrases that feel authentic and empower them. For instance, "I don't like it when you do that," or "Please leave me alone." These phrases, when practiced through role-playing, are internalized by the nervous system, making the child feel more prepared and less likely to freeze in a real-life situation. Research from 1998 by the American Psychological Association on assertiveness training for youth shows that such programs can significantly reduce a child's risk of victimization by teaching them to stand up for themselves effectively.
3.The Protective Power of Safe Social Anchors
In summary - skills to learn:
Encouraging friendships, allies, or adult advocates at school.
Bullies rarely target kids with strong peer protection.
Having a network of friends and supportive adults is a powerful deterrent to bullying. Highly sensitive children can learn to cultivate these relationships through activities that align with their interests.
Hobby Clubs: Joining clubs for activities like chess, robotics, or art provides a built-in community of like-minded peers. In these environments, their unique passions are celebrated, not judged. This can help to heal the belief that something is "wrong" with them. A 2011 study published in the journal Pediatrics found that children with strong social support networks were significantly less likely to be involved in bullying, either as a victim or a perpetrator. The presence of peers and adults who offer protection and validation gives highly sensitive children the security to be themselves without fear.
How To Help Sensitive Children Heal, if They Were Bullied…
Bullying leaves a body imprint (trauma memory stored in the nervous system somatically). Healing is possible, but the trauma imprint must be addressed somatically, relationally, and socially. To release it:
Trauma Release Through Play
Child-centered play therapy, sand tray, role-play, movement or art allows children to re-script events and rewire it in their nervous system (help externalize and reprocess the bullying experience).
Play allows the child to re-script the memory: to become the hero, reclaim power, or practice safety.
Body Regulation Practices
Teach them how to notice cues of overwhelm (racing heart, shallow breath, tense muscles) and use self-regulation (deep belly breathing, shaking out tension, grounding exercises).
The goal: nervous system learns it can return to safety.
Relational Repair
They need a safe adult to witness, validate their pain, and co-regulate with them (bring them back to calm, regulated state). Co-regulation shows them they don’t have to carry trauma alone.
Without this, the imprint stays locked in isolation.
Skill-Building
Boundaries, assertiveness, and confidence training.
Learning to self-advocate (tell teacher, tell parent) without shame.
Rebuilding Social Safety
Helping them find safe peers and positive social environments that are more attuned, aware and able to help your child co-regulate when you can’t be there (e.g. school etc).
Positive peer connections → restore trust in relationships (Restores their belief that connection is possible and not all peers are dangerous).
The Healing Sequence for a Sensitive Child Post-Bullying
After enduring the emotional and physical stress of bullying, a highly sensitive child's nervous system can remain in a state of chronic high alert. Healing requires a phased, intentional approach that addresses the trauma on a deep, physiological level, not just through talk. This is why a "healing sequence" is so effective; it systematically guides a child from releasing the stored trauma to rebuilding their sense of self and safety in the world. This approach, rooted in modern trauma therapy, helps them not just cope, but truly thrive.
A powerful healing framework that helps process the trauma, release it safely and rebuild personal agency:
Release: Somatic play therapy or expressive arts → process the trauma memory. This phase is about helping the child's body complete the defensive responses that were interrupted during the bullying incident. Since words often fail to express the depth of emotional pain, somatic play therapy, sand tray therapy, or other expressive arts allow the child to non-verbally "re-script" the event. They can act out scenarios where they reclaim their power, transform the bully into something harmless, or simply externalize the fear and shame they've been carrying. This allows the nervous system to let go of the "stuck" energy from the traumatic experience.
Regulate: Teach body-based self-regulation skills → nervous system learns flexibility. Once the initial trauma is processed, the focus shifts to bringing the child's nervous system back to a state of balance. The goal is to teach them to move out of the "fight, flight, or freeze" state and into a more flexible, regulated one. This involves teaching simple, body-based practices like deep belly breathing, shaking out tension, or grounding by feeling their feet on the floor. These skills are critical for helping a child identify when they are becoming dysregulated and giving them concrete tools to calm their body and mind. It's about empowering them with the ability to manage their own internal state.
Rebuild: Strengthen boundaries, posture, voice → develop embodied confidence. With a more regulated nervous system, the child is ready to begin rebuilding their sense of self and power. This phase focuses on developing the physical and social skills that make them less vulnerable to future bullying. Activities like martial arts, theater, or even just practicing a strong posture help them feel physically capable and grounded. They learn to set clear boundaries with their voice ("That's not okay") and body language, reinforcing the message to themselves and others that they are worthy of respect. This isn't about becoming "tough"; it's about developing an internal sense of strength and confidence.
Reconnect: Foster safe friendships and supportive community → rewire attachment to peers. The final phase of healing addresses the deep-seated relational wounds left by bullying. Bullying can cause a child to withdraw and develop a fear of social connection. This phase is about gently guiding them back into a safe and nurturing social environment. This can be through finding a trusted friend, joining a club with shared interests, or simply having a supportive adult at school. These positive interactions help to rewire their attachment system, teaching them that relationships can be a source of safety and joy, not just a source of pain. It's the final, crucial step in restoring their belief in themselves and others.
3 Best Books about Highly Sensitive Children
For parents to read, understand their child and develop the necessary skills to attune with care, presence and safety
Drawing on my knowledge as a therapist and my expertise in the Somatic Trauma Rewiring field, here are the three best and most essential books for parents of sensitive children. These are widely recognized as the foundational texts on the topic and are consistently recommended by professionals.
The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.
Why it's essential: This is the original, groundbreaking book on the topic and the one that coined the term "Highly Sensitive Child" (HSC). Written by the leading researcher in the field, it provides a comprehensive, science-backed overview of the trait. It's the most authoritative and trustworthy source of information, offering parents deep validation and a framework for understanding their child's unique temperament.
The Orchid and the Dandelion: Why Some Children Struggle and How All Can Thrive by W. Thomas Boyce, M.D.
Why it's essential: This book introduces the "orchid hypothesis" and provides a powerful, scientifically-backed metaphor for highly sensitive children. Dr. Boyce, a renowned pediatrician and neuroscientist, explains how some children (orchids) are more susceptible to both negative and positive environmental influences. It's a fantastic book for parents who want to understand the neurological and biological underpinnings of their child's sensitivity, and it empowers them with a clear understanding of their crucial role in providing a nurturing environment.
The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.
Why it's essential: While not exclusively about sensitive children, this book is arguably one of the most important resources for parents of HSCs. It provides practical, brain-based strategies for dealing with big emotions, meltdowns, and difficult behaviors. The authors' concept of "integrating the brain" and using strategies like "connect and redirect" are perfect for sensitive kids who need co-regulation and validation before they can respond to logic. It's a highly actionable book that complements the foundational knowledge from Aron and Boyce's work.
Conclusion
Bullying hits sensitive children harder because their nervous systems absorb and amplify the perceived threat. But with the right tools such as trauma release through play, body regulation, relational repair, and boundary training - they can heal fully, reclaim personal agency and thrive).
In fact, many sensitive children who recover from bullying grow into empathic leaders, powerful advocates, and deeply compassionate adults. Their sensitivity, once a target, becomes their superpower.
Warmly,
Monika Grace, CCTP-II
Integrative Somatic Psychotherapist [Psych-k, EMDR, IFS, SE]
Certified Clinical Trauma Professional
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